When Hamleys killed my ego

Exactly a year ago today, I persuaded the world-famous toyshop Hamleys to scrap its gender signs and replace them with signs that indicated what the toys were, not who they might be for. This story exploded in the media all around the world, and I found myself catapulted into the media spotlight and bombarded with media requests, messages of support and torrents of abuse. Something had to give - my sanity or my ego.

"What's this?" - I said. "I have an ego!"

So I chose to embark on a personal journey of breaking down every belief I have, every model of the world I had constructed, every assumption, every emotion and every action. The outcome is amazing. I have found the way to achieve personal fulfilment, success and happiness and am now have made it my full time, life time occupation in teaching it to others.

A year ago, I achieved social change but I found that IT changed ME more than I changed the world. And the most useful lesson of all: until we have worked on ourselves to reach a high spiritual and personal fulfilment level, we will not be effective at manifesting social change. And when we reach that level - we won't want to do it as much anyway. Because there is no right and wrong. And all beliefs are fabricated. Nothing has meaning unless you attach one. Kill the ego! Enter the next stage of human consciousness.

Sign up on my new website at drlauranelson.com.

Swedish toy catalogue goes gender neutral

Swedish toy catalogue goes gender neutral is the toy news this week.

While I am setting up my new website over at drlauranelson.com (visit now to grab your free tips), I am getting an increasing number of requests from readers (students and journalists) for gender and toy opinions and information. For your convenience, I post below some FAQs - hope they help you. If you have any other questions, do get in touch.

Meanwhile, don't forget to visit drlauranelson.com to sign up for free tips and insights into how gender stereotypes affect you.

Why do you think we're so fixated on the notion of what constitutes a boy's toy versus a girl's toy?
Gender identity is probably the strongest identity that people have. From a young age, people see themselves and others as either male or female and subconsciously associate stereotypes. Because gender identity is so firmly embedded, any variation from those stereotypes - which is how we expect a boy/girl or man/woman to look or behave - will be shocking, upsetting or distasteful. Toys represent the type of behaviour that girls and boys are expected to engage in, and therefore there is the same feeling associated with toys. The identification of gender with toys explains the violent backlash reaction to the suggestion that both girls and boys can play with all toys.

Do you think this idea of gender specific toys is becoming less common and, if so, why?
No, I think it's becoming more common. My hypothesis is this: as a society, we have become more openly 'equal'. In other words, in legal terms, there are few barriers to women compared with men because laws and rules have been changed so that women and men now have the same opportunities (in most cases). What remains are the psychological barriers, which are actually much stronger. Women and men and boys and girls have beliefs and expectations about themselves and these are reinforced by gender specific toys. I think as we progress as a society and become more 'equal', these subtle forces grow stronger too, to pull society back to where it was. Human beings generally resist change, so these forces are in place to do exactly that.

What are the benefits of children of either sex choosing to play with the toys that attract them?
The benefits are that children stay open to all activities and ultimately life pathways. In this way, they will ultimately choose a life pathway that's right for them as an individual, not one that fits into their stereotype. So it is widening their opportunities, not restricting them.

What are the disadvantages for children if we restrict them to toys designed for their gender?
They will see life in a narrow way and their expectations of themselves will be limited to that of the stereotype of their gender. So for example, restricting girls' toys to toy prams, hoovers and doll babies conditions them into thinking that domestic life is their destiny. Likewise, giving boys toy trains, cars and war toys will enhance their adventure, risk-taking and competitive skills. That's great, but why can't both genders have access to both?

Are there any particular benefits of boys playing with traditionally feminine toys such as dolls, play kitchens etc
Of course, for the above reasons. It was interesting that arts and crafts was in the girls section, not the boys. Arts and crafts is seen as a female occupation. If boys don't engage with these toys, they miss out on vital skills that have open up opportunities in later life.

What made you feel so strongly about how Hamleys arranged their toys by gender?
The segregation in Hamleys got to the heart of for me why we live in an unequal society. It epitomised the subtle forces that hold inequality in place and are dressed up so cleverly that most people think they are 'choices'. It was symbolic and the campaign I ran demonstrated that. Hamleys changed the signs, newspapers covered the story all over the world the topic was debated for weeks. That shows how strongly people resonate with the topic.

How do gender stereotypes limit your life?

It's been a busy few weeks. I have been developing my new website. Do pop over and have a look. If you go over and now you can sign up to receive some free tips sent to your inbox; some guidance of what YOU can do to live a gender-stereotype free life. Gender stereotypes limit us in all sorts of subtle ways and most of the time we're not aware of them - but they can have a profound effect on your happiness and success in life.

Sign up here: http://drlauranelson.com

I've also been to Cambridge to the Festival of Ideas to take part in a gender stereotypes debate.

I've been on BBC Radio 4 Woman's Hour, interviewed by my longtime heroine Jenni Murray. I was also part of a gender stereotypes discussion on Sky TV, which you can see below.

drlauranelson.com

The Delilah blog is moving over to a new site... I have set up http://drlauranelson.com.

Check it out: http://drlauranelson.com.

Entrepreneurs conference campaign success!

The National Achievers Congress, which is a huge event with up to 10,000 people in the audience and some of the world’s top entrepreneurs – has one female speaker this year.

Last year, there were none. I wrote about this and spoke to the organisers, and Claudia Crawley of Winning Pathways Coaching also blogged about it.

After I’d discussed and negotiated for a long time for the organiser, he agreed on a one-woman-a-day quota for the next conference. Claudia and I compiled a long list of successful female entrepreneurs which we sent to the organisers to help them find speakers. One of their reasons for no women was: “We don't know any female entrepreneurs.” Now they had no excuse.

To the organisers’ credit, they have improved. This year, there is one woman. One woman is an improvement but disappointing. Added to that, she is last on the list of speakers on the website, and her subject area is the very ‘girly’ one of dress - not taken as seriously as the other 'male' topics.

The invisible forces

When asked about this issues, many people shrug their shoulders and say things like:

"It's not the promoter's fault."

"Women get the same chance as men."

"Women don't want it as much as men."

These assertions are flawed for the following reasons. The organisers do not make an effort to include women. When I spoke to the organisers last year, they admitted they look only in their all-male networks to find speakers and it hadn’t occurred to them that they were shutting women out. They actually had quotas for speakers in certain topic areas, but no quota for women (hence my suggestion to introduce one).

If you are an ambitious woman, ask yourself if you would actually want to be involved in an event with a business model that discriminates against women. Most women can't be bothered – they feel 'locked out'. But who loses out? The 10,000 strong audience, losing out in the value they receive. Women aren't getting the role models they need, and no one is getting a fair representation of business or the world to learn from. Women and men instead unconsciously learn that men rule the world – no change there. Victory for the status quo.

The business model is set up to firstly benefit the organisers, secondly the speakers and thirdly the attendees. Speakers pay a large amount of money to take part and then split their earnings from the products they sell with the organisers. Neat for the organisers, but not so good for the women attending. Or indeed potential female speakers. Women are less likely to take the risk of paying to speak – first because they would be breaking into a lonely, hostile, unwelcome environment, and second because (as a generalisation), women tend to be conditioned throughout their lives not to take risks to the same extent as men.

Why don't women want to take the risk?
Contrary to what many people believe, this is conditioning, not nature. Gender stereotypes are firmly locked into our society and affect what how far women set the bar for themselves and how other people perceive them. Traditionally, men were always the breadwinners and women remained in the background, concerning themselves with their looks and not their brains. This a strong habit that’s difficult to shift, reinforced by gender myths, influential media, lack of role models and limiting beliefs about the personality and behaviour of the different genders that are rife in our society, and promoted by many business people themselves (usually unintentionally). We have to break these stereotypes, as well as challenge the structures that exclude women.

Do you want change?
Do you want your daughters and sons growing up believing that only men are welcome on world-class stages? If you are keen to see change, now is the time to get involved. Women need role models! There are many other business events that are as diabolically biased as this one. Last year, just a couple of blogs and a conversation resulted in an incremental improvement for this event. Change is easier than you think. Send me a message or comment if you want to join us in speaking out.

See Claire Godwin’s video here.

See Claudia Crawley’s website here.

How to overcome a fear of public speaking

Here's my speech as outgoing President of Camden Speakers Club - but not so outgoing when I first started out! I speak about my fear of public speaking and other social phobias, and how I overcame them.

When you have a phobia you have two choices. You can either tolerate it, or you can say: Enough! I said: Enough.

Now I love public speaking - it's an artform in its own right and a doorway to the future. Anyone else can learn the skills of public speaking too - you just have choose to do it, to face up to your fear and to keep working at it (this applies to overcoming any fear, by the way).

Here's the secret: If you don't learn how to control life, then life will control you. 

Robots are stereotyped by gender too

People apply gender stereotyping to robots, according to research published in Germany.

In the Journal of Applied Social Psychology (and as written up here), psychologists report on an experiment in which students looked at images of two different robots and considered their potential uses.

They looked at the heads of the two human-like machines. The two were identical except that the 'feminine' one had longer hair and a slight curvature of the lips, and the 'masculine' one had shorter hair and straight lips.

Participants had a list of traits and household duties and were asked to assign them to the robots. They were more likely to view the short-haired robot in a 'masculine' way, and suggest it was more suitable for action tasks as 'repairing technical devices' and 'guarding a house'.

They suggested the long-haired robot was more appropriate for stereotypically feminine tasks such as household chores and caring for children and the elderly.